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 Post subject: The Sagacious Heart
Unread postPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:18 am 
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Palpitations inside my chest have told many a scare and scared history. None so egregious as the one told frightfully, surreptitiously, on that fateful day I took my last ghastly gaze into gracious eyes that in turn greeted my gauss with gesticulations of worry and contempt. Demeanor aside her beauty was untamed and tailored to suite the eyes of those who see soul’s secrets. These eyes of mine had not seen till now, such beauty in love. My heart had not eased since I woke earlier - earlier when? - That morning. Pastel grays behind clouds deepest set of blue and black hung easily beyond the rooftops and thatch. Smoke rising to greet the free air gave notions of disaster. Cannon fire, as though giants tumbled as school boys in the mud, was distant and quiet. A caring hand brought my face to gaze into hers once more, still my heart! Said I "Friend, beauty, lover you'll be adored like you have never had the notion, should the bed take me on a dream of distance no one travels here, lover be kind and stare not in trepidation! I am as right as right will be once the breath leaves me." My lover cried despite. Slowly through her tears I slid into a stare of irreparable darkness. My sobs joined her own in as my spirit departed; my heart did beat on for her, “I am not here any longer my true heart" the tongue willed to move but my face not a twitch made. Massy and still it became to my feeling, my sight darkened in the clouds of that morning. My true heart then spoke to me; her voice rang the bells of truth, virtuous and strong, liken the high church towers that shook the monks to their knees. No father in the land had the fortitude her words held. No man could stand the wellspring of joy I had in losing my heart that day, for with her departure it also went: Beside her in memory.


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 Post subject: Revision
Unread postPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:36 am 
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Palpitations inside my chest have told many a scare and scared history. None so egregious as the one told frightfully, surreptitiously, on that fateful day I took my last ghastly gaze into gracious eyes that in turn greeted my gauss with gesticulations of worry and contempt. Demeanor aside her beauty was untamed and tailored to suite those who see soul’s secrets. Those that mine had not seen till now, such beauty in love. My heart had not eased since I woke earlier - earlier when? - That morning. Pastel grays behind clouds deepest set of blue and black hung easily beyond the rooftops and thatch. Smoke rising to greet the free air gave notions of disaster. Cannon fire, as though giants tumbled as school boys in the mud, was distant and quiet. A caring hand brought my face to gaze into hers once more, still my heart! Said I "Friend, beauty, lover you'll be adored like you have never had the notion, should the bed take me on a dream of distance no one travels here, lover be kind and stare not in trepidation! I am as right as right will be once the breath leaves me." My lover cried despite. Slowly through her tears I slid into a stare of irreparable darkness. My sobs joined her own in as my spirit departed; my heart did beat on for her, “I am not here any longer my true heart" the tongue willed to move but my face not a twitch made. Massy and still it became to my feeling, my sight darkened in the clouds of that morning. My true heart then spoke to me; her voice rang the bells of truth, virtuous and strong, liken the high church towers that shook the monks to their knees. No father in the land had the fortitude her words held. No man could stand the wellspring of joy I had in losing my heart that day, for with her departure it also went: Beside her in memory.


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Unread postPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:51 am 
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Palpitations inside my chest have told many a scare and scarred(?) history. None are so egregious as the one told frightfully… surreptitiously. On that fateful day I took my last ghastly gaze into gracious eyes that in turn greeted my gauss with gesticulations of worry and contempt.

Demeanor aside her beauty was untamed and tailored to suit those who see soul’s secrets. Those that mine had not seen till now, such beauty in love. My heart had not eased since I woke earlier - earlier when? That morning. Pastel grays behind clouds deepest set of blue and black hung easily beyond the rooftops and thatch. Smoke rising to greet the free air gave notions of disaster. Cannon fire, as though giants tumbled as school boys in the mud, was distant and quiet.

A caring hand brought my face to gaze into hers once more, made still my heart! Said I, "Friend, beauty, lover, you'll be adored like you have never had the notion. Should the bed take me on a dream of distance no one travels here, lover be kind and stare not in trepidation! I am as right as right will be once the breath leaves me."

My lover cried despite it. Slowly through her tears I slid into a stare of irreparable darkness. My sobs joined her own in as my spirit departed; my heart did beat on for her. “I am not here any longer my true heart" the tongue willed to move but my face not a twitch made. Massy and still it became to my feeling, my sight darkened in the clouds of that morning.

My true heart then spoke to me; her voice rang the bells of truth, virtuous and strong, liken the high church towers that shook the monks to their knees! No father in the land had the fortitude her words held. No man could stand the wellspring of joy I had in losing my heart that day, for with her departure it also went: beside her in memory
.


I cleaned it up a little bit as you asked. I changed one word where you see the (?) because I'm not sure which word you intended it, and I added some other words and punctuaion here and there for grammatical reasons and clarity.

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