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There's a difference between tough love and maliciousness. Love, even when it hurts, seeks the positive growth of another. It's true that change is painful, and sometimes it takes the hurt of a friend to make us see the things inside ourselves that need to improve. But animosity and malice seek to only destroy. Sometimes it can reveal the truth inside us too, but in a way that rarely helps us grow, and only nurtures the bitterness in ourselves. Yeah, you can take something positive away from someone treating you negatively of course. But it’s very hard to do. It’s best to discern who to trust and who not to listen to.
The question is, who is the healer and who means us harm? It’s hard to tell sometimes.
My mother told me this story when I was young.
There once was a little baby bird who thought she knew everything. She didn't like being told what to do, and resented being treated like a fledgling. She knew that she was strong and wise, and better than the other baby birds. She lived in misery, feeling different and bitter. Finally on the morning of one cold, icy day, she decided it was time to leave the nest.
She jumped from the warmth of her tree down to the cold earth and proceeded to hop away across the snow, ready to face life on her own.
It wasn't long before her little feet were frozen, but she trudged on, determined to prove how smart and strong she was. She became hungry, but no matter where she looked there was no food. Only snow. After some time, the cold and hunger took its toll, and she couldn't walk another step. She sat down in the snow and cried. "Woe is me! How cruel the world is! How unfair! I know I can make it on my own, if it wasn't winter, if the world wasn't so cold and mean. I wish someone would help me. Anyone. Please, someone help. Help me, please!"
Just then, a cow sauntered by. “I couldn’t help but overhear you.” She said. “What are you doing out here in the snow, all alone?”
“I left my nest because I want to do what I want. I want to live, I want to make my own choices. I wanted to show them that they are wrong. I can survive. I am strong.”
“I see.” Said the bovine. “I see that you are cold and you can’t fly, and without help, you will die.” Nonchalantly she turned, lifted her tail, and pooped on the little bird. She then walked on.
At first the baby bird was appalled, but soon noticed that she was thawing and becoming revitalized from the warmth. The ice melted from her feet, and she stopped shivering. She began to realize how awful she had been, how stupid it was to have left her family and the safety of the nest. But after a moment or two she realized she was under a very heavy pile of steaming cow dung, and she couldn't take the smell any longer. She struggled to free herself from the excrement, screaming, "Woe is me! This is even worse! I can't believe how awful this is! I was freezing and now I’m suffocating! This was no help at all. I can’t move, I can’t stand it, someone help me! Hello? Is anyone out there? Help me, get me out of this mess, somebody, please!!”
Just then, a cat came slinking by. “I couldn’t help but overhear you” He said. “What are you doing under that pile of crap?”
“I was just walking through this field, minding my own business, when this awful cow came and… please, help me out! I can’t stand it one more second…”
"How horrible!" He agreed. "Don't worry friend, I'm here to help you." The cat began to dig and dig, until finally the little bird was free. She popped out of the pile, relieved and grateful, and spread her little wings open wide. “Oh thank you. Thank you!” She chirped. “You saved me! How can I ever repay you?” And with that, the cat promptly snapped her up and swallowed her whole.
The moral of this story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy . . . and not everyone who helps you out of shit is your friend.
There is something of course to be said for the counsel of others, whether it comes from allies or foes. It can be very revealing. It can help us understand ourselves. And if we are able to look at ourselves with honesty, even the most negative attacks can be beneficial. For instance, if everyone treats you like a bitch, an asshole, or an idiot . . . you may want to consider that it has something to do with your behavior. This could be beneficial in helping you change and improve your life. On the flip side, there are those whose opinions are simply wrong, and if we believe them, it could harm us in ways that are monstrous.
As a general rule to help discern all the criticism, I normally use this: Care about what others think only if you know they care for you. Take what everyone else has to say with a grain of salt and a butt load of caution.
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