1."If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die." -- Dt.13:6-10

I guess you're gonna show knot, bear, and all the other atheist potheads what being stoned is really all about?



2. Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

You're getting a little thin up top these days, Pant. Might be a good verse to memorize.

3. For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death.

Sounds like a mission! Shouldn't be hard to find people working on the Sabbath. March on, Xian soldier.

4.If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father and mother, who does not heed them when they discipline him, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at the gate of that place. They shall say to the elders of his town, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the town shall stone him to death. So you shall purge the evil from your midst; and all Israel will hear, and be afraid.

I'm guessing your kids never had a rebellious phase?

5."Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property." (Leviticus 25:44-45)

I know someone who can get you a killer deal on Mexicans.

6. Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

How is that not sexist? Or is it sexist, and sexism is good? Or is this one of those weird mistranslations?

7. This is what the Lord Almighty says... 'Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction allthat they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.

I can understand killing children and infants, but donkeys?! C'mon!

8.“And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.”

How the hell are you still all in 1 piece?

9.And when he had seen afar off a fig tree having leaves, he came if perhaps he might find any thing on it. And when he was come to it, he found nothing but leaves. For it was not the time for figs. 14 And answering he said to it: May no man hereafter eat fruit of thee any more for ever.

Jesus condemned a fig tree to death for being out of season? Awesome.

10. And Jacob took green rods of poplar, and of almond, and of plane trees, and pilled them in part: so when the bark was taken off, in the parts that were pilled, there appeared whiteness: but the parts that were whole remained green: and by this means the colour was divers. 38 And he put them in the troughs, where the water was poured out: that when the flocks should come to drink, they might have the rods before their eyes, and in the sight of them might conceive. 39 And it came to pass that in the very heat of coition, the sheep beheld the rods, and brought forth spotted, and of divers colours, and speckled. 40 And Jacob separated the flock, and put the rods in the troughs before the eyes of the rams: and all the white and the black were Laban's: and the rest were Jacob's, when the flocks were separated one from the other.

So you can influence animals' genetics by showing them colorful sticks while they fuck? Why doesn't that work anymore? Or does it...

Sorry if these were too easy, I'm a bit sleepy- as you were when I asked questions about certain verses tonight.

-"The grass withers, the flower fades; but the word of our God will stand for ever."