Lol. Imagine my surprise as I got on MSN last night and had a flurry of messages from her about my "suicide email". I even determined it was you, Mos, which I told her. I also told her you were the only one clever enough and with enough information about people on WinMx to pull it off.
Had she bothered to check the message source for that email and plainly see that the sender was "knot4prophet@mail.com" (not me) she'd never have gotten past the first line, with any suspension of disbelief.
Nevertheless, though you did pay some close attention to your spelling and grammar in this email of "mine" as well as your attempt at some degree of eloquence, sadly it falls quite short of my caliber of talent. I'll point out a few lines and how it's obvious that I'd never write such silliness.
Mos.Def wrote:
I feel like an emotive criminal in a calloused world.
This is a useless metaphor. An "emotive criminal in a calloused world"? Lol. If I do choose to apply a metaphor, it will always have more substance than this. The reason we use metaphors is to make something clearer, and saying that someone is an "emotive criminal" in a "calloused world" does not improve any clarity. Now if you could have related the callousness to my own numbness or something similar, this next metaphor of your may have had more force:
Mos.Def wrote:
I sit here trying desperately to pull feeling from my already damaged strings, though they seem to be unresponsive.
Perhaps this is some stunted attempt to sing the praises of my own apathy using a guitar metaphor (that's how to make a REAL metaphor...sing praises? lol) or some even more nebulous marionette juxtaposition, but at best it comes out strained and inadequate. Surely if I were epitomizing my own character at the final defining moment of my life, I would let my talent rise to a deafening crescendo of creativity. (Note the extended musical metaphor - lol).
Mos.Def wrote:
From the years of wear that has crippled me with an apathetic tongue and a silent, eternally decaying mentality, I am now damaged and I am now faulty.
Ha. This, among all the statements said, is the most glaringly erroneous, a cacophony of incredulity. Even at my most apathetic moments, I never question my own value - only others' ability to recognize my value. "Eternally decaying mentality"? Lmao! Just the opposite. I have never and would never describe my mentality as such, and no one, even on a dark day, has heard me deprecate myself as such.
This next paragraph of yours that I quote is rife with a mixed bag of ineffectual, uninspired, unrelated methaphors:
Mos.Def wrote:
I want you to know there was a time I could feel the temperature shift from broken to construction.
temperature shift ------> broken/construction.
This metaphor is weak on several fronts. First, while its good to apply disparate properties to elements that don't normally seem to have that property, when done cleverly, it can make for great metaphors. The problem here is in applying a "temperature shift" which is a gradual spectrum type of measure, to a "broken/construction" element. Broken/Construction is a two-state system. Temperature is a measure of
degree. A more eloquent metaphor would apply temperature to a quantity that has discernible degrees of magnitude.
Additionally, I would never use alternate word forms in a parellism. I might say broken/constructed. I might say destruction/construction, but aye, I'd never say "broken/construction" in any parallelism merely because "broken" can only be used as a verb or an adjective, and "construction" is obviously a noun.
When I compare quantities, I always endeavour to link the quantities in as many ways as possible, to strenghthen the comparison. Comparing adjectives with nouns, such as you have done, leaves a reader feeling as though apples have been compared with oranges. Though the fruits of your labour were initially successful, Mos, a closer examination through the filter of what I might actually say, reveals the pedestrian attempt at portraying me.
Mos.Def wrote:
The skies cracked open and showered a filth more pure than the one we’d grown used to. Like we sat and watched the rain explode against the warm pavement and wash everything away…everything but the two of us. For we were cemented in a universe of liquid — the only defined integrity that I’ve found was in that moment.
This new sky/weather metaphor departs again from consistency, yet only shines light on the mourning of its own strangled ineptitude. Notice I took mirrored your own nature metaphor back at you - "shines light" and added my own... twist. This sort of metaphor that I used - "shines light on the mourning of its own strangled ineptitude" is why I tell people that no one can successfully imitate me.
The second sentence here, "Like we sat..." is a fragment, an incomplete sentence. I don't make those unless writing informally. And for effect. Like this. (lol)
The last line, "cemented in a universe of liquid..." is again strained and a poor juxtaposition. Was it the pavement "cement" on which the rain was on exploding that inadvertenly predisposed you to such lunacy? Lol.
Mos.Def wrote:
You know, it’s because of you, that I had a chance to feel again. And that was more real to me than you will ever know.
For months I’ve asked myself.
Am I human? Am I breathing?
Will someone check my pulse and revive me? Do I need to be revived?
If anyone can say it with words, I can. This is purely trite. I would never affix my name to such trivialities.
Mos.Def wrote:
These moments can be beautiful or they can be ugly.
Lol, this is almost childish in its quality. I shy away from common descriptive words like "beautiful" and "ugly" because words like this have become so overused as to become almost meaningless... like the word "nice". When you are rereading your writing, always look for these type of words creeping into your prose, undermining your clarity of expression.
Mos.Def wrote:
It’s how you perceive the perception and accept the reality.
Perceive the perception? Lol. Huge No-no. I might say "perceive the stimulus" or "interpret the perception" but I'd never, ever say "perceive the perception" - it's redundant, both thematically and homophonically.
Mos.Def wrote:
For so long I’ve been a man clinging to the shore for safety of that which is shallow. Hopefully in whatever awaits me, I can be the depth. I can make up for things.
This is is a convoluted, paradoxical metahpor, also with weak applicability to me or anything else. Why would I, who writes among the deepest, most piercing, compelling prose, characterize myself as clinging to shallowness? My very essence rails against shallowness. Anyone who knows me knows this.
Now, let's discuss the pyschology of your attempt and why it indicates erroneous implications.
The position of the email is that I wanted Witch back. I don't. It plays partly on the knowledge that I have been somewhat depressed lately and it's no secret that my mother recently passed away. But this depression, from your characterization of me, was borne out of some loss I felt in not being with Witch. If she had ended our relationship, this tack may have actually made sense. Alas, she did not and she and I both know this. I haven't been pining for her. We have both moved on with our lives. So the implication that my woes are due to some loss of her in my life confused her because she knows I've never held that position.
Now, she may have been predisposed to hoping that this was the case, that I'd been pining away for her, after I ended our relationship, but after some thinking, she'd have realized the incongruity.
So yeah, bravo Mos, at ensnaring Witch into your wicked web of wanton subversion, even though it was short-lived.
Knot4Prophet, frequently imitated, never duplicated.
And Top Troll for this? Ha. You'll have to invest far more effort and reap a wider and more profound reaction than this, to be under consideration for Top Troll. Lol.
Constrast antics like this with my destruction of the Vladd44 room, the Lesbian chat rooms and now the Heresy chat room, and you'll see what really makes a Top Troll.
Nonetheless, you show some real promise in your trollicity. Kudos.
