This post involves lots of language which may not be understood by anyone not familiar with 'Sweaty Sock.' If that's you, then this will serve as an educational tool into the mind of your average Scotsman.
Everything below is 100% true. Fuck yourselves.
You should also know that this killed my spell checker stone dead.
A Day In The Life.
My name is Turgid Helldiver, this is my report, garnered from evidence provided to me from a source that wishes to remain anonymous, on the total collapse of the project:- A Day In The Life.
Early in 2012, the BBC commissioned a television series in collaboration with the department for work and pensions, to get an honest and objective view of life for people claiming social benefits.
A research team got to work scouting locations, liaising with staff, and setting the groundwork for a smooth transition for when principle filming began. All that was needed now was an individual to carry the show, as we follow them over the period of six months, trying to see what it takes for a person to survive below the poverty line.
Then it all went tits up.
We sent our Producer, Christopher Minge, and casting agent, Ilsa Abelschriemenamphelheimer, to interview potential candidates at the Paisley Job Centre in Glasgow. The reasons this site was chosen was due the fact it hands out more money in job seekers claims in one month, than the entire rest of the UK combined, hand out in one year. There was obviously potential here to pose some serious questions:-
1) Why is unemployment so high in Glasgow?
2) What effect does this have economically on the region
3) Are these people substance abusers, mentally ill, lazy, or could it simply be that the Scottish people are not suited for life in the 19th-21st centuries?
The morning of the first interview, Tuesday 18th March 2012.
It's 9am, Chris and IIsa are waiting for their first interviewee, a long term unemployed 48 year old man called Cludgie Brush.
Ilsa:- "Chris, it's nearly 9:45, I don't think this guy is going to turn up, who's next on the list?"
Chris:-"Well give him till 10, he might've been delayed, there's some sort of incident going on in the street outside, I'll try and....
Cludge:- " Fuckin right then ya dos cunts! Ahm Cludge, I wis supposed tay be here at 9, but they wouldnae fuckin let us intay the fuckin building while I wiz drinkin."
Chris:-" Well, er, okay then. We thought maybe you'd been held up in all that commotion outside."
Cludge:-" Aye ya soft southern shiteing cunt, that fuckin commotion wiz me, ah fuckin heidbutted some wee radge and wiz goin through ez poakets ta see if the spastic hud any fags."
Chris:- "Well... I have to leave now, I'm told there's a new assignment waiting for me in Somalia. I'm sorry Ilsa, so very very sorry."
Chris leaves the room crying.
Cludge:- "Just fuckin you an me then Hen, now thet soapdodgin fairy fuckin tory boy's goan an got fucked, we can fuckin get started eh!"
Ilsa:- " Well, Mr Brush..."
Cludge:- " Fuckin call me Cludge ya daft wee hoar."
Ilsa:- "Okay, Cludge... do you know why you're here today?"
Cludge:- " What thay fuck? Fuckin listen to me fanny baws, if you're tryin ta fuckin say ah have no idea where ah am, or why ahm here, then you'd better get fuckin ready for a long droap ootay that small fucking window slag!"
Ilsa:- " Please Cludge, I wasn't implying anything..."
Cludge:- " Oh ah see, fuckin Cludge now is it? Ye can call me fuckin Mr Brush ya short haired kraut dyke! Ah was a fuckin staunch suppoter ay yer movement back in they 2nd world swedge, but then yous silly cunts stopped fuckin bombing they fucking English cunts, and started fucking bombing us as well! Ah shud fuckin break this boattle over yer beak, ya fuckin jizz goblin tranny."
Ilsa:- " HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE! JESUS GOD NO, HE'S GETTING UNDRESSED!"
End of interview.
The program sadly never got past the development stage. After the resignation of both Ilsa Abelschriemenamphelheimer, and Christopher Minge, the production team disbanded and have never worked in television again. Attempts have been made to contact Mr Brush, but due to an altercation in which he was stabbed in both eyes with a felt tip pen, it was decided to just leave the poor bugger alone.
