|
The lie.
*A Room For Apostasy*, which, really is a room for people. The name is not the room. The people are. We make friends there. We make enemies. We interact within that room, a room of people. Just like people do. No matter the venue. A miniscule slice of the world we call our own. A commonality amongst us all. We apostates.
I am one of those people.
So, I've been in Apostasy for a good while now. Made a lot of friends, a few less enemies. I laughed, I joked, I marvelled, I taunted, I flirted. Just a person among many. I never made any secret of the fact and said on numerous occasions that I wasn't there to pick up on women. I wasn't looking for love. I didn't pm. What I said, I said in the room and for the most part it always stayed in the room, an occasional request might be made by someone in pm, or by myself in to pm another. It was always friendly, generally short and that was it. No romance. No cyber. No pretense.
But, at some point this girl caught my eye. I caught hers, too. We became friends, but underneath that there was a strong attraction. We fell in love. It's a grand thing, love. Fucking Grand. We started out so good.
One day, I was asked something. A question. The answer, if I said "yes", brought her more happiness. The answer, if I said "no", would not have increased her happiness. So I said yes. Easy. Joy. Happy. She smiles.
But, here's the thing. That "yes", involved a lie. A big lie? No. A small lie? No. What many would call a white lie. Make no mistake. It was a lie. I'm not here to minimalize what I did. I lied. It doesn't matter that it made her happy. I lied. There is no small lie. There is no big lie. There is only the lie. The lie.
But, after a period of time. It bothered her, that I'd said yes. It bothered her, that she'd asked, and I said yes. She regretted asking me that question, that I said 'yes" to, when I lied. That answer she searched for, in that question, she wished she hadn't sought. That question she thought I'd honestly answered. She wished she hadn't asked, because she now knew that the *yes* that at first made made her happy, over time, made her sad. It bothered her. It ate at her. She tried to keep it inside. She blamed herself. She tried to ignore it. But she couldn't. She tried for a month or two.
So, she asked me; "did you really mean that, when I asked you that question, and you said yes?"
Okay. I had lied. The little lie? The lie that many people see as what we do sometimes, when, at the time, it made the person happy. A lie is never little.
I said, "yes", again... I lied, the same lie, but now said twice. The lie.
She then said she wished she'd never asked me that. She said it had really been eating at her and it bothered her and she wished she'd never thought about it. She told me that the happiness she'd originally gotten from that "yes" had turned to a pain. A sorrow. A regret. The lie I told her that at first made her happy, that she thought I'd answered truthfully, eventually tore her up, and us.
When I was first asked that question, instead of doing what I should have done, what my mind screamed out to do. What I must do. I didn't do. I should have said, "no". There was the truth. I lied when I said, "yes", to begin with, and again, I didn't tell her I lied when she asked me if I had. I didn't tell her I said it because I knew it made her happy. I thought she'd be hurt that I lied. I thought that I can't tell her I lied about that. I lied. The lie.
I fucking lied.
I put myself above what she felt. I lied. I did the wrong thing. I lied. I let that lie I first told, continue, because I could not tell her I lied to her. I lied. I couldn't tell her that when, just moments before, she'd just asked me did I really say yes just to make her happy, or was it the truth? I lied. I let the original lie stay, because I said it was the truth. I lied.
She asked me. She wanted me to say I was just saying yes to make her happy. She actually wanted me to tell her I lied. I didn't. It would have made her happy if I told her I lied. If I had told her I lied, it would have been the truth, but I didn't. I told myself that this thing I'd lied about those months prior wouldn't haunt her, given time. That's the lie I told myself when I didn't tell her that I lied to begin with. You'll notice that I mentioned, "it was a white lie". It was a lie. I didn't think that me telling her I lied would make it better. I couldn't tell her I lied to her. I let the lie be with her. I lied. I lied. I lied. I fucking lied.
I really pride myself about being truthful. I don't have that anymore. That doesn't matter.
I lied. My lie tore apart what I was always looking for.
Please don't bug her about my lie.
Just know that I lied.
To her.
_________________
A lie is something that's only valuable to yourself. Truth is valuable to everyone. If the only thing you have to offer is something that is only valuable to you, then people will eventually not seek you out for what you have to offer.
|
