Most days I make a 200 mile journey to the south coast to chum the waters with blood and dead fish and shit, hoping to lure a large school of great white sharks to our shores in time for the promised summer heat wave. So that's where I am yesterday afternoon, sat in my deck chair, when I notice something bobbing up and down in the water and being carried in by the surf. My first instinct was to harpoon it, but instead I got out of the deck chair, waded into the water (always being careful not to get eaten) and grabbed what appeared to be a very old bottle. I sat back down and opened it up and found a piece of paper. Written on it where the following words... " EYARRR HA! FUCKEN NOBBY AAARRRRHHHGGG!!!" And also some satanic imagery. Jesus festering foreskin I thought to myself, what the fuck are the odds of me finding a letter in a bottle, implicating Nobby in what I can only assume was some sort of ghoulish slaughter aboard a pirate ship some time in the late 18th century. To get to the bottom of this I thought I might consult an old mate of mine who works at oxford university, Professor Pangtang Magang for some hot carbon dating action. Unfortunately when I finally got through to the university switchboard they informed me he no longer worked for them and that I should never mention his name in public again. They refused to go into anymore details, so I hung up and gave him a bell on his mobile. It went straight to voice mail and to this eerie message in a voice I didn't recognize... " I know you found my letter, but like all great chess players I am thinking 68 moves ahead. If you dial this number again, your friend dies... "
I brooded on this message for a few minutes and decided it was worth the risk to Pangtangs life to call the number again and leave a message of my own. " You sound like a pretty fucking shit chess player to me mate." Then I thought bollocks to it, and threw the phone into the sea and drove home.
When I got back my front door was open and there was a strange smell coming from the kitchen. There was a human head cooking in the microwave. On the wall was a giant red N.
There was nothing else for me to do but to get drunk and log into winmx.

ok

fuck it, i pressed submit when i actually wanted to preview. these things happen.

You need to get this stuff published.

You're all probably thinking that I abandoned the Nobby thread, but the truth is I've spent the last 5 months in a cave in Nepal at incredible altitudes, training with mystic yogis and generally keeping myself busy. But I had to leave Nepal after I came into conflict with the maoist communist party and was threatened with execution and deportation ( in that order) which is how I found myself yesterday evening doing a bit of the old yoga in my garden, sat in the lotus position, drinking fine carrot juice and absorbing nature. Nobby was probably the last thing on my mind when I became aware of a scratching noise and faint groaning coming from behind my shed. I levitated over to where the noise emanated only to find the naked form of a bearded man, covered in what I immediately recognized as arcane symbols of protection used to ward away evil spirits. Interesting I thought to myself, I'm going to have to get to the bottom of this, so I formulated a question that would get to the core of the issue, right into the balls of the thing... "What the fuck are you doing behind my shed you big cunt?"
He was obviously scared and confused, probably dehydrated and in need of medical care. He struggled to get to his feet which I could see took him a tremendous effort, so I pushed him back down because I thought it was funny. He burst into tears which made me feel guilty, so I helped him back up, and then pushed him back down again. This happened four more times and at this point I was in an hysterical stupour. When I finally gained my wits I said to myself it's time to get serious and I told him so. "It's time to get serious!" I said, "Who are you? And why are you covered in the ancient ink of Nas Ankhu Khan She En Asbiu?"
He looked me dead in the eyes and what he said will stay with me forever... " Fucking hell I'm drunk, where did I park my car? I have work in 4 hours, why are you wearing boxer shorts on your head?" And with that he crawled across the garden, out onto the street, hopped into a cab and disappeared, maybe forever.
What does this have to do with Nobby? Well it's in the Nobby watch section isn't it? And that should be enough.

ok

i knew something about you seemed different.
yoga has freed your inner spirit animal.
it burst out of your ass and ran down the bridge thankful to still be alive after 3 years of being lodged in ur anus getting by only on bits of toilet paper that u would feed it after shitting out of it's mouth.

I can't say that I was too upset when I heard about Nobby's passing. Having lived in a state of perpetual terror for going on 6 years, knowing that the fucker won't come hurtling through the window at any second with a gatling gun and an assortment of fish hooks is quite frankly a welcome relief. Obviously the only thing that really matters here, is that it's going to leave a massive gaping hole in the forums. No more Nobby watch. But fear not, an even more demented presence has crashed down taking his place, and this one isn't afraid to travel. Armed with an RV and a brain made entirely of mud, this new threat clatters around from state to state babbling some of the most insane bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life (no mean feat I can assure you).

What I intend to do here is catalogue these exchanges, which will include the time she bowled a 300 game at a bowling alley that apparently never existed, made $7,000,000 trading silver, or bronze, or fucking molybdenum or some other shite, the time she tried to kidnap my good mate Sylbm to become a very unwilling sex slave, and also when she scared the mortal piss out of two bikers that stopped to help her when she was smoking crack on the side of road waiting to be abducted.

Nobby might be gone but the threat is real... By making these posts and mentioning her name it puts me in mortal danger. There is nothing her contacts won't do to find me, and once they do, it's on. The second I see that goddamned RV pull up outside my house I'm going to disappear and I won't be seen again until I get hungry, or homesick, in fact fuck it. I'm not scared damn you, I run from no man, or woman, or whatever the fuck she is.

Nobby watch is dead. Long live the Q files...

Ok.

tbc...