Hello.

I've started my own religion. I'm accepting applications as we speak and you're far more likely to be accepted if you send me some money. I recommend £250. This is a small price to pay for your soul, which is what I'm offering you, but first I need you to give me that as well. It's easily done, just jab a syringe into your eyeball and suck up 0.5 millilitres of soul juice then freeze it, I'll take care of the rest.

The cult will be split into 7 factions and each will be designated a day.

Monday:- Monday will be the day of the least denominations, basically all the tight cunts that didn't send enough soul juice or cash will be given a Monday slot. No one likes Mondays and my cult will be no different. You will gain spiritual fulfilment by washing my clothes and getting me shit from Nettos ( I'm not allowed in there myself because I broke a barrier preventing me from leaving the store a few months back. Bastards). Obviously your goal will be a promotion to Tuesday, or you can just fuck off altogether. I don't have much love for my Monday members.

Tuesday:- The cult of Tuesday will be members of my group that I think will be able to take over the day to day running of my businesses, dunno if any of you read the basement posts but I don't intend on being chased, abducted, imprisoned, or deported any more. So with that in mind I'll be assigning various members of my group tasks suitable to their particular skills. A good example of this is Busty Berther, an ex-porn star who I sent to the Azores to smuggle back 12lbs of freebase cocaine up her minge. The Tuesday group more than any other day will not look upon advancement with as much fervour as the others because they find satisfaction and pride in their work. Berther summed it up better than I ever could " Davey, since I joined your church it's like a giant hole in me has been filled."

Wednesday:- Wednesday is without doubt the most useless and wretched day of the week. Nothing good has ever happened on a Wednesday so with this in mind my Wednesday flock will be allowed to sleep for the entire 24 hours after a large whack of Nytol and gin. This has been especially embraced by members of my church suffering from depression, and it works out great for me as their Minister because I don't have to listen to their foul whining's and self pitying recriminations.

Thursday:- The weekend begins on Thursday and ends on Wednesday morning. My Thursday flock will join me on this our holiest day, to get good and pissed. Any member that can keep up with my frankly heroic levels of inebriation gets instant promotion to Friday and a statue made of pure molybdenum to be placed on the 4th alter at the holy shrine of the pot black snooker club, Commercial Road Portsmouth. Only one person has achieved this goal but unfortunately he went wallop bulging crazy, left my church and became a postman.

Friday:- So far I'm the only member holy enough to attain Friday status, this is what makes me God. Credo dictates that I spend Fridays hungover as shit and generally wander around the place looking like a sweaty wheezing jaundiced burnt out bag of misery. Bathing in soul juice cures this, as does 12 bloody Marys. A trip down to KFC isn't out of the question and 12lbs of freebase cocaine certainly has it's uses. There's also the question of how to satisfy the most demanding of my practitioners, the Saturdays.

Saturday:- The Saturdays are my members who were the most generous with their contributions. They also have the largest social range, from those who genuinely seek enlightenment from my teachings and sent me a shit load of cash, to psychopaths who preyed on the innocent and jabbed them in the eyes with needles for reasons that they would never understand. Fortunately I can't tell them apart so we all get on rather well. We normally head back to the basement where I entertain my disciples with whatever shit I burnt off the computer the previous evening. Last week for example we all watched BangBus 11 03 23 Madelyn Monroe Ella Milano And Rebeca Linares Rocking Out With Her Tits INTERNAL XXX 720p MP4-SEXORS. Good times!

Sunday:- My least favourite day because Monday is after Sunday. The Sundinians are the searchers, these are people trying to find a new faith because they've become disenfranchised by other religions. I hate these cunts because they keep asking me questions. Here's a few off the top of my head.
Q1) " If god exists, why does he let bad things happen? "
A1) " I couldn't possibly care less. Anyway, I'm your new god cunty balls, suck my dick."

Q2) " What do you do with our soul juice? "
A2) " I bathe in it when I'm hanging out of my arse."

Q3) " How do I become a Friday? "
A3) " GOD DEMANDS PAYMENT!"

So there you go. Still early days yet, my religion has been up and running for a few weeks and I only have 2 million members, but with your help I'll soon be the most powerful man this side of Salaman Falamanoo.

Ok.

Sounds exciting.

But first, a few questions, which will probably start me out as a Sundinian, but in time I hope to be exalted to Tuesday status, so I can eventually wrest control of your cult and take it in a new more desirable direction, namely, one that benefits me.

I think having 11 months per year off would be therapeutic, so what are the chances of moving to months rather than days of the week? I'll be glad to take over February, 'coz it's the furthest away from now, and it's so fucking cold that I won't be able to get much shit done anyway.

What sort of enlightenment, aside from the glory of indentured servitude of course, could I look to from you, to help me on my path to Total Omniscience?

Can we make it a requirement that hotties applying to the cult must first complete initiation fucks with any Sundinians (then later Tuesdinians)?

I'm fucking piss poor destitute and my association with the cult would be nothing but a constant parasitic drain on cult finances. You'll obviously need spongers like me to soak up and launder all the extraneous assets that I intend to incur, using any cult members' identities who have even a shred of credit. Once I get Q on board with her untold millioins, none of us (translation: me) will ever have to work again. So my last question is... where do i sign up?

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I've got to point out that whomever eventually becomes the god, at some point you'll need to fade into an existence that approximates absolute nonexistence to be truly successful.

Myth at the very least.

The best part of that is both of can have your respective followers still believe in you as 'the real god", and its gravy all around.

BTW..

I hereby throw my hat into the ring as The Trickster God.

I don't really need to declare anything except to say that I'll have a status in your cult no matter what.

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A lie is something that's only valuable to yourself. Truth is valuable to everyone. If the only thing you have to offer is something that is only valuable to you, then people will eventually not seek you out for what you have to offer.